I feel so much within me but i cant let it out... I went in search of answers and reasoning that I forgot to stop and see what is in front of me... when you are in that web you dont tend to see it. everything gets to you... you take things for granted and you dont communicate what you have to.. YOu basically have a closed mind... and before you know it you grow apart and then end up with more miscommunications... and then you end up being scared to take that chance...
Most people live in a comfort zone for protection of being hurt and pain... But is that a life worth living? Why cant people do what it takes, say what they have to say, take that chance at happiness... Why are we humans so afraid? Having a brain is sometimes a pain.. cos we end up thinking too much.. if only we had the heart and followed it how great would the world be?
People say that nowadays girls are very forward, no morals, and are very fast etc. Girls also have learnt to get what they want from men and be emotionless... What made them that? Sometimes I wish I can be like that... Cos saying what you feel and putting your heart out there hurts you and screws you up in the end cos the others dont understand you... Why bother loving cos all it gives is pain... Why not just use people and have a good time... How does one do that? Man I've gotta try... I dont think my heart can take anymore of this.. I am not blaming anyone but my self... I didnt know what to do.. Hope there was a lesson on life... and everything was so streamlined...
Today was a day I felt so alone.. Well of course putting all my profiles on invisible or offline contributed to it.. But i realised when shit hits the fan there is no one for you but your self... I never want to be in this situation at all.. I felt like dying so many times... I wish I never wake up... So until that happens I am going to change.... I will be a total BITCH. I wont let anyone mess with my heart again... and I'm going to be invisible from now on... Sorry to everyone I end up hurting.. or have hurt in the past... I guess I was never good at telling my feelings I only did the way I knew and I was always said to be too open.. Lets try another way but dont expect me to be a good girl... I dont want that me anymore... and if you dont like it? Well you can just fuck off!
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Only change for yourself...because you WANT to, because it makes you a better person. Don't change in REACTION to someone else...such change does not last, is not natural, and only damages you. You don't win at the end of the day...and the other person really doesn't care. You don't have to be a bitch to stand up for yourself. Quiet strength, conviction and grace is far bolder than bitchiness. Don't let other people crush your spirit. Its really not worth it. It takes forever to heal and it sets you back...so don't choose to go down that path and don't get into the pattern of thinking that everything is YOUR fault...that's what other might WANT you to think...but its often not the case. At times when we feel alone, find those people who are truest to you, are there for you when the chips are down, and who love and accept you for the person you are, not the person THEY want you to be. Cheer up and be strong. You are NEVER alone in this world.
ReplyDeleteThanks Serendib,
ReplyDeleteI just typed a reply but it just got deleted cos the connection got screwed up.. Again may be it was not meant to be written..
I am not changing for anyone else, I chose to change for my self cos I am fed up of feeling this way... Why? you do everything by the book.. and then you end up getting screwed at the end..
Young girls nowadays have so much fun.. no commuitment and so on.. why do we who make commitments end up getting screwed? may be too predictable, transparent etc. but then what good is a relationship if you pretend to be someone your not.. not say your feelings and not be open..
Its not that the other person doesnt care, Its that the other person is scared of taking chances. All my life I have taken chances.. followed my heart and look where it got me.. so no I am not changing for anyone else. I am doing it for me.. I dont want to let anyone close to me again cos my heart just cant take it..
I long for the day I leave this world cos its full of crap and evil that I just dont wanna be apart of it anymore.. As for people truest to me.. Well they were unavailable at that time.. Like I said when shit hits the fan there is no one...
YOu are born alone and you die alone.. So I guess we've gotta live alone too. I know people love me for who I am.. BUT The problem is they never understand me.. probably cos I dont know how to communicate but they just dont.. I am too open with my feelings and its time I dont show that anymore.. ANywasy Thanks for your words. I know you are saying the right thing but right now I just dont want to be that person... Cos It has alwyas lt me down.. I would say you can pray for me But I dont believe in that too.
Thank you Serendib.. Really appreciate your words..
If its for yourself you are changing, that's a good start. But you say you are changing because you are fed up of feeling a certain way...what is making you feel that way? Is it yourself? Someone else? Your reaction to someone else?
ReplyDeleteIts never a good idea to pretend be a certain way to please someone...sooner or later the real person inside you become stifled and frustrated...and you lose a sense of who you are. There are so many in this world who are living a lie in terms of relationships...they crush their dreams to please their partner, they stop saying out their true feelings for fear of hurting their partner...it happens so often, especially to girls. Its very sad. If you can't be completely honest and open with the one who you have made a commitment for, for the rest of your life, who else can you turn to? It makes you wonder whether you are with the right person to begin with!
As for taking chances, the things in life worth fighting for are often hard to get to and involve a lot of risk. Unless all people involved are willing to take that chance, the likelihood is that things will be very hard to work out. What needs to be explored is, what is preventing that person from taking a chance? Is it you? Is it that person? Is it something you don't know about? Don't always assume its your fault.
The world CAN be crap and evil and sometimes we just feel like throwing in the towel and finding perfect peace somewhere. But life is not that simple. Many go through times like this when we feel like our perfect fairytale has come to an end. But remember, life is never a fairytale. Its tough times that make us stronger...its problems that build our character and test the strength of a relationship.
Why do you feel you are not understood? Is it that the others don't know what's going on inside you because you are afraid to say it out? Maybe you don't want to hurt others?
Think about what you want for your life...do you want to live a life of hiding what you feel or do you want to live a life where you can be who you are, say what you feel, and still feel that the people in your life will stick by you.
These are just some of my random thoughts...hope you are doing ok...